The Ding-A-Ling Ring
by Red Witch
Summary: Things get weird when Archer and the gang burgle from a house they are supposed to be staking out.


**Somebody stole the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. And I think I know who. This was inspired by real life events and let's face it. This is something the gang would totally do. And would explain where some of them get the money and outfits.**

 **The Ding-A-Ling Ring**

"So let me see if I get this straight," Ray said to Archer as they sat in the van. "One of Shapiro's clients took off without paying him and he wants us to find her?"

"Apparently," Archer shrugged as he took a hit of scotch from a flask. Both were wearing black. "Tracy Bristow was actually Beck Bristow's ex-wife. Shapiro represented her husband in the divorce."

"Wait hang on," Ray did a double take. "The actor that got arrested for that car chase a while back? But if Shapiro was **his** lawyer…?"

"They were supposed to split their assets fifty-fifty," Archer explained. "But she blew town with all of his stuff and money and hasn't been seen in months. So we're going to break into her house and look for clues."

"To where she ran off to?" Ray asked.

"Actually to her online accounts," Archer shrugged. "But yeah if we find any clues that would be great."

"Tracy Bristow…" Ray thought aloud. "Isn't she that reality show actress that got kicked off that Housewives show?"

"Yeah the Real Housewives of Hollywood," Archer nodded. "For setting fire to the producer's trailer. And she was in a lot of B and C movies. Mostly supporting roles in Lifetime so…"

"So we break in, look for clues and then what?" Ray asked.

"Obviously we're going to take it from there," Archer finished his drink. "Shapiro said there's a spare key under the doormat."

"At her house," Ray said. "Right behind this big ass wall." He pointed to the large white wall in front of the van.

"Well it is a gated community," Archer said. "So we can't go through the gate looking like this."

"Hmmmm…." Ray thought.

"Here's my plan," Archer said looking at the wall. "I've got some grappling hooks so we can go in through the rear. I know. Phrasing. Shut up. We scale the wall in the back then go in through the back door avoiding the security system. Easy. So get ready Ray. Ray?"

He looked and saw Ray was gone. "Ray? What the…?"

"Or," Ray poked his head back into the van. "I could just use my bionic legs to hop over the fence and open the gate without anyone seeing me." He pointed to the open gate nearby.

"What about the security guard?" Archer asked.

"There's no security guard," Ray shrugged. "Guess he took the night off."

"Well that was easy," Archer said as Ray got back in the van.

"I know right?" Ray shrugged.

"Wow security is just not what it used to be around here," Archer remarked as he drove the van to the house.

"How would you know?" Ray asked.

"Shut up," Archer snapped. "Shapiro told me the key was under the mat."

"She just left it there?" Ray asked.

"Apparently," Archer shrugged.

"Why didn't she just lock her door with a stick of gum while she was at it?" Ray snorted.

"I know? Right?" Archer agreed. "But apparently sometimes the housekeeper needs to get in so…"

"So why not just give the housekeeper her own key?" Ray asked.

"I guess so that she can't break in and steal from her," Archer said as they got out of the van.

"Wait, she doesn't trust the housekeeper enough to have her **own key**?" Ray asked. "But…?"

"Yeah I know," Archer waved as they got to the door. "Hollywood."

Archer pulled the key from under the mat. "Bingo. Now we can get in."

"Or the door could already be open," Ray noticed. "And the security system is already off."

"Is that music I hear?" Archer realized that there was some noise from inside.

"It sounds like some kind of party," Ray said.

"With the lights off?" Archer shrugged.

"Maybe Tracy is having a private party?" Ray shrugged as he got his gun out.

"If it is her we can get the reward," Archer said.

"There's a reward for her capture and you didn't tell me?" Ray gave him a look.

"Well I wanted the money," Archer shrugged. "Come on…"

They cautiously made their way upstairs. "Okay be prepared for anything…" Archer warned.

"Maybe you can speak a little **louder**?" Ray hissed. "So that whoever's in there can be prepared for anything."

"How can whoever's in there hear us in the first place?" Archer hissed back. "We could be in a marching band and they wouldn't notice!"

"I've been in dance clubs that were quieter," Ray admitted.

"Just follow my lead," Archer warned before they entered the room where the music was playing.

They were not prepared for what they saw. A room with a stripper pole in the middle with satin couches as well as racks of clothes lining the room. A disco ball emitting lights as music played. And some very familiar faces.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING HERE?" Archer shouted.

"Drinking and having a kick ass party!" Pam whooped. She was twirling around a stripper pole in the middle of the room. She was wearing some long diamond necklaces and a tiara.

"Yeah bitches!" Cheryl whooped. She was wearing some designer clothes and some jewelry too. And drinking champagne.

"What are you doing at Tracy Bristow's house?" Ray asked as he put his gun away.

"Uh making it our secret private clubhouse, drinking all the booze and robbing it," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Duh!"

"Guess what?" Pam stopped spinning around. "Tracy's actually this skinny bitch's cousin!"

"What?" Ray was stunned.

"Her maiden name was Tunt," Cheryl said. "I guess I never told you that one of my cousins was an actress huh?"

"That does explain the trailer on fire incident," Archer realized. "So what you have a key to her house?"

"I did after I copied the key under her doormat," Cheryl laughed.

"Here, have some champagne," Pam went to a panel and it revealed a refrigerator full of alcohol. "There's some real primo hooch in here."

"Don't mind if I do," Archer went right towards it.

"Why not?" Ray sighed.

"Holy shit," Archer whistled. "There's some real expensive Dom Perigion in here. And Glengoolie Crystal…Whoa! This is the jackpot!"

"Have some," Cheryl said. "We do every time we come here."

"Every time?" Ray asked as he took a bottle of Glegoolie Crystal. "How many times y'all been up here?"

"What is this? Or fifth or sixth time?" Pam asked.

"Sixth," Cheryl told her. "Each time we take some jewelry and clothes and drink whatever she's got in her stash."

"We even took some of her stash if you get my drift," Pam laughed. "Some real righteous chronic your cousin has."

"And your cousin's never **noticed**?" Archer was stunned.

"Are you kidding?" Cheryl snorted. "She's got so much shit I could burn half her closet and she wouldn't notice!"

"A lot of these skinny bitch clothes still have the price tags on them," Pam pointed out. "Come on, I'll show you her closet."

"Wait this isn't her closet?" Archer looked around. There were clothes on racks all around the room as well as couches and pillows.

"This is her pre-closet," Cheryl snorted as she got up.

"A pre-closet?" Ray asked. "Seriously?"

"Oh my God…" Archer's jaw dropped as they walked into a huge room filled with clothes, mirrors and racks of accessories.

"I know right?" Pam laughed. "She has so much stuff."

"Macy's doesn't have this much stuff," Ray said.

"Remember all those closets we raided in San Marcos?" Pam asked.

"Uh no," Archer frowned. "I was in a dungeon."

"Oh right," Cheryl said. "Well my cousin makes those closets look like an outhouse!"

"I remember those," Ray said. "Those were fun."

"Here's a makeup table," Pam took some perfume and splashed some on her. "Chanel! Nice!"

"I love her lipsticks," Cheryl took one and put some on. "I'm going to take some."

"Me too," Pam said. "Half of these aren't even opened yet! Not even used! Man I can save hundreds on my makeup budget!"

"Oh my God these things are so beautiful!" Ray squealed as he played around with a feather boa.

"Alexander McQueen sunglasses," Archer whistled as he looked at one display. "Men's and women's."

"There's a men's closet right through there," Cheryl pointed.

"It must be her ex-husband's," Archer looked. "Holy shit look at all this stuff."

"Oh my god!" Ray looked in and grabbed a shirt. "Is this an Eton shirt? And it's in my size and color! I want it so much!"

"It's yours," Cheryl waved. "Take it."

"Should I?" Ray put it against his chest and admired himself in the mirror. "Oh this looks fabulous on me!"

"Yeah like we never stole anything before," Archer snorted. "Now that I think about it, more than half the money we make is usually either stealing something or connected to stealing something."

"Sometimes I think we do better committing crimes than solving them," Pam shrugged as she tried on some more jewelry.

"We have had more experience with the former than the latter," Ray admitted as he tried some women's shoes on. "Damn these fit me. Your cousin has some big ass feet."

"I have to admit my clothes budget isn't exactly what it used to be," Archer groaned. "Mother's allowance has been practically cut in half and…"

"Your Mommy still gives you an **allowance**?" Pam laughed. "Oh my God!"

"Speaking of which…" Ray pulled out a drawer full of expensive men and women's watches. "There's a roll of cash in here!"

"Yeah we keep finding thousands of dollars hidden all over the place," Pam nodded. "And you know with what little we get from Cyril and Ms. Archer…"

"Say no more," Ray pocketed the money.

"Hey!" Archer reached for it. Ray slapped his hand with his bionic one. "Ow!"

"Some of us don't get an allowance from our Mommy," Ray gave him a look.

"Fine, but I get one of the watches," Archer took one. "What? I need a new watch."

"What for?" Ray asked. "You're always late!"

"Shut up," Archer looked around. "So basically you two just come up here and rob the place and party?"

"Uh I just said that," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "We even brought Krieger and his weird hologram girlfriend up here once. He took a lot of stuff."

"Always wondered how he funded his projects," Archer mused. "You know…We could just hang out here a bit."

"Well technically we are looking for clues," Ray justified. "Getting into the mindset of an escaped felon."

"My cousin isn't technically a felon," Cheryl pointed out. "Unless they catch her smuggling drugs and fruit across the border."

"Look at all these jewels," Archer whistled. "There must be at least twenty of these diamond studs that all look the same!"

"Save one of those for Lana and the other for your mother's next birthday," Ray pointed out. "Or when you do something extremely stupid."

"That is a very helpful tip," Archer realized. He pocketed the earrings. "What the hell? I might as well do some Christmas shopping while I'm at it."

"Happy Birthday to freaking me," Ray grinned as he put on a watch. "I could use a new watch too."

"And I could use another drink," Archer went to get another one since he finished the small bottle in his hand.

Soon the four of them were drinking and partying. Enjoying the music. "It's like we have our own private club!" Ray grinned as he drank some champagne.

"That's what we should do," Archer thought aloud. "Open our own club. You know if this private eye business falls through."

"It's always good to have a backup plan," Pam twirled around on the stripper pole with surprising grace.

"In our case we need a backup plan for the backup plan," Ray smirked as he took another drink.

"Pam and I could be actresses," Cheryl said as she took a drink. "But let's face it I don't think we have the discipline."

"So what else could we do if we're banned somehow from being detectives?" Ray mused aloud.

"I could go on the racing circuit," Pam stopped twirling. "For real this time. Not just the back alleys driving Yakuza cars."

"I've sometimes thought about becoming a stylist," Ray admitted.

"Shocker," Archer scoffed as he took a drink.

"Oh yeah?" Ray asked. "And what would you do if you can't be a detective or a spy anymore?"

"Professional gambler sounds pretty good," Archer shrugged.

"HA!" Pam laughed. " **You?** That's a laugh! You don't know when to hold 'em."

"You don't know when to fold 'em," Ray added.

"You don't know when to walk away," Cheryl added.

"And you certainly don't know when to…" Pam began.

"I **get** it!" Archer barked. "Okay maybe being a professional gambler isn't exactly my forte? Maybe I could try photography again? I was pretty good at that."

"With the new cameras they have nowadays anyone is pretty good at that," Pam said.

"Still I could probably make a living as a photographer if I have to," Archer defended.

"If you do, try not to get banned after one day this time," Ray snorted as he took a drink.

"That was just a matter of bad timing," Archer protested.

"You mean how that other photographer from that Photographers' Union thing didn't duck in time when you threw that Blue Cuervo at him?" Cheryl laughed.

"Shut up!" Archer began. Then his phone rang. He looked at it. "Shut up! Seriously! It's Shapiro! Turn the music off!"

"Why?" Cheryl asked.

"Just turn it off and be quiet!" Archer barked. Cheryl grudgingly did so,

"Aren't you going to send it to voice mail?" Pam asked.

"Mother made me promise not to do that to Shapiro," Archer said. "Besides I want to talk to him."

"Guess Mommy gave him his phone back," Ray muttered under his breath.

Then Archer answered the phone. "Talk to me. Yeah we're here. I think we found a few things."

"And then some," Ray muttered under his breath before he took another drink.

"What?" Archer was stunned. "When? What happened? Oh…. That's not good. So…But…Oh come on! Technically we did do our job! Why shouldn't we get…? Oh fine! All right! Fine! Whatever! Thanks for nothing dickwad!"

"Bad news?" Pam asked as Archer hung up.

"That was Shapiro," Archer said. "They just caught Tracy at the border. Apparently she was trying to smuggle drugs and some other stuff into Canada. And she didn't want to come quietly so…"

At the Canadian border a short while ago…

"Drop the undocumented produce eh!" A Canadian Mountie shouted as he pointed his weapon along with several other Mounties.

A blond woman who looked almost exactly like Cheryl glared at them from behind her car. "You're not my supervisor!" She held up some tomatoes. "Drop your weapons or else!"

"Don't throw the fruit," The Mountie shouted.

"I thought tomatoes were vegetables?" Another Mountie spoke up.

"Actually they're both," The First Mountie said. "They are technically in the fruit family but classified as vegetables. So…"

"So if you don't back off the fruit and/or vegetables is going to fly!" Tracy shouted.

"You do and we shoot!" The First Mountie shouted back.

"What are we Americans?" Another Mountie spoke up. A tomato flew by his head. "HEY!"

"Technically this is assault," The First Mountie said as fruit started to fly. "But still it is a fruit/vegetable so I guess we can't really do a lethal assault in good conscience. After all, we are Canadian."

"AFTER YOUR SALAD COURSE YOU CAN EAT LEAD!" Tracy pulled out a gun and started shooting. "HA HA HA! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"Okay **now** we can use lethal force," The First Mountie said. "FIRE!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Back at the house…

"Let's just say it didn't end well for her," Archer sighed. "Oh and Carol I'm sorry for your loss."

"What loss?" Pam asked. "With Tracy gone Cheryl probably owns this place now!"

"Uh no, it goes to her sister who's my other cousin who totally hates my guts," Cheryl explained.

"So am I correct in assuming that we're not getting paid," Ray asked.

"You are correct on that," Archer said.

"And that if the police catch us here we could be in trouble," Ray added.

"Most likely," Cheryl said. "I have a restraining order against me on this place."

"So we should run before the cops get here," Archer said.

"That might be a good idea," Ray said. "But first…"

Less than an hour later…

"Well this was a surprisingly productive evening," Archer said. He was wearing new sunglasses and had a watch on while driving. The van was full of stolen items. "I got new clothes, a new watch, sunglasses…"

"You really think wearing sunglasses at night is a good idea?" Ray asked. He had a new watch on as well. "You know while you're driving?"

"That would explain why I'm having trouble seeing the road," Archer took them off. "Oh yeah that's better."

"Yeah but we can't keep all of this crap," Pam said. "A lot of these designer clothes just won't fit me."

"Like all of them," Cheryl snorted.

"I have a plan," Ray said. "Step One, do **not** post this on Facebook or any social media outlet. PAM!"

"I won't! Jesus!" Pam grumbled. "What do I look like? A teenage reality TV star wannabe?"

"Step Two," Ray said. "We don't tell Cyril, Lana or Ms. Archer about this. Ever!"

"I am in complete agreement with that," Archer nodded.

"No problem there," Pam nodded.

"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Step Three…" Ray began.

The following day…

"Venice Beach totally rocks!" Archer walked up to the large table Ray, Cheryl and Pam were manning. There were all sorts of merchandise on their table. Including a rack of clothing.

"I just saw the most awesome juggling/breakdancing/skateboarding act ever!" Archer whooped. "Seriously it's like a free show of Cirque de Solei out there."

"We're doing pretty good here. So far we've made over seven hundred bucks and we've only been open an hour," Ray said. He was wearing sunglasses that he stole from the night before.

"And we only sold three things," Pam said. She was also wearing stolen sunglasses.

"And we're going to get more merchandise," Cheryl was also wearing stolen sunglasses and had a cell phone in her hand. "I just got off the phone with my cousin Tanya, Tracy's sister. She wants me to do inventory of the house. She's too busy to do it because of some trial she's either working on. Or is she actually on trial? I'm not sure. Anyway she can't leave the state of Florida for the next three months so…"

"So basically we're getting more free stuff and a lot of extra income on the side?" Pam asked.

"Pretty much yeah," Cheryl laughed.

"Just as long as the cops don't find out," Ray said.

"How are the cops going to find out?" Archer asked.

Not that far away…

"I love shopping at Venice Beach," Detective Dietrich grinned as he got into his partner's car. "You get all kinds of neat stuff cheap!"

"You know most of these tables are probably run by crooks that are selling stolen merchandise right?" Detective Harris asked.

"Uh I didn't hear you complaining last week when I had to help you move that big ass couch into your truck and into your apartment," Detective Dietrich gave him a look.

"I did say the word probably," Detective Harris corrected. "And I needed a new couch. And it was a good bargain."

"Especially on our salary," Detective Dietrich shrugged.

"Besides it's not like I bought anything too obvious…" Detective Harris then noticed something. "Like an expensive watch…"

"You like it? What?" Detective Dietrich asked his partner. "I needed a new watch!"

"Just do me a favor and don't post where you got it on Facebook," Detective Harris groaned. "Again!"


End file.
